TV News Cameraman's Dream Day.

It's been a slow news week here on the freelance front of news gathering so, at the ukcameraman institute of TV news studies, I have commissioned an in depth poll into what I would like to film before I pack in this whole sorry way of life, or I die in the line of duty filming a overturned delicatessen truck, drowning in an avalanche of sausage rolls, Danish pastry and chocolate sprinkles on the M3 just outside Basingstoke.

Zarg was stunned at the custard pie incident.

I have filmed many strange, wonderful and downright freaky stuff for the televisual news viewer over the years, but there are a number of things that have not occurred yet, mostly because of the laws of physics, not being in the right place at the right time, because they are a figment of my warped mind or because it is just plain bollocks. Here are some of them...

1. The women's all in world jelly wrestling championships (sport)

2. Prime Minister caught with custard pie to the face. (Politics)

3. Demonstration outside Parliament by the UK clown association. (Home Affairs)

4. The Martian invasion begins. (World news)

5. Mugger sentenced to 15 years to life. (Crime)

Any one of the above news scenarios would indeed make my, or any news cameraman's day, and give me something to dine out on for the next 40 years or so. I do however have one single all time favourite recurring dream that just won't leave my head...

Whilst filming the all in jelly wrestling championships, I am called away to Parliament where scuffles have broken out between the Police and the UK clown association, over one their members being sentenced to 15 years to life for a mugging offence whilst dressed as a Coco the clown. During the protest, the Martian invasion begins when spaceships land on Parliament square, declaring peace on Earth and food for all. The prime Minister approaches Martian leader as our human representative, and gets a custard pie square in the face by a disgruntled clown.

Being the only cameraman there, and on my own freelance time, I reckon I would make a fortune from that roll of pixels. I would be rich beyond the dreams of avarice, thus avoiding the delicatessen truck incident in Basingstoke.

That my friends, would be a good news day. Until then, back to the reality of a local politician declaring paper clips a health and safety hazard to small mammals. Or am I still dreaming..?

Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter.

www.media-attention.co.uk

I Have A Dream...

I guess any cameraman who works in the TV News industry has a similar dream. You wake up one morning and check the media section of the situations vacant pullout in the paper, hoping against hope that a position has become available:

VACANCY:
 
NGH (Never Gonna Happen) TV NEWS.
Chief TV News cameraman.
Bahamas. (Beach Division)
Highly competitive salary, Plus bonuses / Expenses.
3 day week.
Grumpy Englishman preferred.
(Shorts and sandals/socks supplied.)

As i scrape the ice from my windscreen, i think of how my first film could be about the dangers of lounging about in skimpy bikinis in 70 Degree heat on the beach, followed by how to apply lotion in a suggestive manner and avoid sand sticking to your nether regions...

As the zip stuck, all thoughts of the Bahamas became irrelevant.

I turn my news vans heating to 'melt' and as i drive, i subconciously package a very important news item on what's the best drink to keep cool next to the azure blue infinity pool on the veranda. A long island iced tea or a sex on the beach followed by a slippery nipple..? These are the hard facts that i believe the TV News watching public need to know more about, following copious amounts of in depth research.

Outside court, i stamp my frozen feet to regain circulation. I adjust my wooly hat and snap off the icicle from the end of my nose. My mind turns to the very serious news item i could be filming in the Bahamas... Should ice cubes be made from tap or bottled water, and just how many cubes are de-riguer in a frosted glass of rum punch..?

I could be filming a weather item on how the sea temperature has risen from warm to tepid, or how the breeze from the mountains have changed from cool to balmy. My report would include advice on changing out of a sleeveless t-shirt and into a colourful Hawaian shirt, so as not to spoil an evening dinner of lobster and white wine on the restaurant terrace overlooking the bay as the sun sets on the golden horizon....

Right now though, i can't feel my feet. The biting wind is funneled down the side of the court building i am stood outside, turning my cheeks a rather fetching shade of blotchy pink.  Instead of a gently swaying palm tree, i lean against a grimy car park pay and display sign and stuff my hands deep into my coat pocket and shiver.

I Have A Dream..! Said Martin Luther King.

Me too buddy... Me too.

Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter.

www.media-attention.co.uk

Fictional Action Cameraman.

A good friend of mine, Christian Parkinson, has travelled the world a bit, poking hot glass into some of the most extreme places on Gods green Earth for the delight of TV News viewers and his demanding producers. I wrote previously about him here. You will notice in the picture below, courtesy of caparkinson.com, that he is wearing brown trousers. And rightly so. I suspect they have hidden a multitude of trouser coughs when the bullets are flying on the dusty trails of Afghanistan. 

Jason Ackland..? No, your author, CA Parkinson.

Anyway, Christian also likes to show off, sorry, write about his experiences that he has witnessed over the years in the far flung regions of Africa and the Middle East. This time however, he has turned his hand to fiction, with the adventures of Jason Ackland, a rugged cameraman hero of the finest sort. I suspect Christian has based our hero Jason on his own experiences and adventures, filming the action in Afghanistan and elsewhere for the TV News. Or he could be based on me... you know... the good looking, well built, lantern jawed cameraman with appropriate duelling scar on the right cheek... One can hope.

But, only being a short story, with the BIGGEST cliff hanger at the end, it won't take you long to read. And i hope that Christian gets his butt into gear and writes the rest of it toot sweet. Is it the end of our cameraman hero..? What happened to his pain in the arse reporter..? Who shot JR..?

Hopefully, we will find out... You can download the PDF here.

Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter.

www.media-attention.co.uk