Canine calamity causes cameraman consternation.

So, just how does your average TV news cameraman go out to work and four hours later have his work splashed across the internet in a frenzy of piss taking, LOL's and BBC baiting via Twitter, Facebook and internet news sites? The answer is very easy... Just add a well known and respected weather presenter, a live transmission and one dog with a weak bladder.

Before going live, doggy got in some squatting practice. Pic by @carolkirkwood

 
Before the morning was over, my cameraman endeavors were to end up on the likes of Buzzfeed, Huffington Post (Comedy Section), The Telegraph, The Daily Mail, Metro and The Independent.  Hell, we even made the news in Brazil..! You are by now probably thinking that i am jinxed, and you might be right. Either things have a habit of happening to me, or it's just the way i look at things, finding the funny, if you will.

Guaranteed, should i be filming live news it will either rain, the local idiot will find me or i will step in the only dog turd in the surrounding three square miles, but hey, one gets used to the ups and downs of the broadcasting life and the awful things that i have witnessed courtesy of my sadistic news producers. (Politics, for instance.)

I thought yesterday however, that my luck had changed. I was to broadcast to the whole British nation on the most watched morning news show with the best known weather presenter in the form of Carol Kirkwood, Queen of the clouds and dispenser of short, sharp rainstorms. Not only that, i was to film from one of the nicest sandy beaches in the South of England on one of the hottest days of the year so far.

Things don't get much better. My star was in the ascendance, my flag was at full mast and my engine firing on all cylinders.

I may have spoken a little too soon. My flag pole soon drooped, my star fizzled out and my engine sputtered. All courtesy of a chocolate brown Labrador owned by my field producer for the day. I need not regale you of the intricacies of what it did, for due to the magical interwebs and a sprinkling of cameraman fairy dust you can watch what happened... In full.



I will admit that i saw what it was doing just a tad too late to make a difference. The damage was done. Live broadcasting is just that... Live, and there was bugger all i could do about it, until now. For the modern interwebs now allows me to get my own back by shaming the aforementioned canine in a manner that online Listicle readers will know and love... Dog shaming.

Dog shaming... Pic courtesy of owner @Gilly_Robinson

So if you will now excuse me, i'm off to prepare for another live news broadcast. News has just surfaced that the water quality of local beaches have taken a nosedive and the best sandy beach in the South of England has lost it's blue flag status. Hey, i'm a freelancer, and a job's a job...

Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter.

TV News Cameraman And The Diminishing Of The Tangibles.

Many of you older TV news cameramen and women out there will remember such phrases as, "Can you hear the whir of the camera on audio track 2...?" Or, "Bugger, the tape door mechanism's jammed..." And my all time favourite, "Touch my camera again and I will kill you... To death."

As he pulled out the Pulitzer Prize winning footage from the camera, he dropped it down a drain cover...

The most oft spoken phrase in TV news gathering however, used to be, "Pass me the tape will you...?" and upon hearing said phrase, your journalist would pass you a Beta Sp tape which would make a satisfying, tangible 'whump' when placed in your sweaty grasp.

Those of you who remember film and film canisters can shut up now, I can hear you muttering from here. This post does not delve that far into the past, but even so, you will remember the feel of something solid and dependable in the palm of your hand. (Don't even think about going there...)

To those with boy band hair, spots and a penchant for all things Blackmagic Design, yes you... You, typing 'Tape' and 'Film' into Google on your iPhone in between filming with it and scratching your head, may not know of such pre-historic artifacts from a bygone generation, but they existed... And not that long ago.

I still find myself asking my Journo, "Have you got any tapes...?" Only for them to fish around in their pockets, check handbags, jackets and small dark holes to produce a tiny, thin piece of plastic with a metallic strip. Carefully, and making sure we are not standing over a storm drain or crack in the ground into which the card can disappear, we pass the precious object between hands as steady as any brain surgeon.

I slide the card into its tiny slot on the camera.

There is no push of a button followed by a 'Whirr, click, thud as the tape goes in, click and whirr' Nothing is opened and it's insides extracted by mechanical wizardry and stretched across drums with optical thingamibobs.

Nothing happens any more.

Once the filming of the days news is done, then the preciousness of that small, thin piece of plastic with metallic strip must become an even more dangerous and fear provoking work of calm. Imagine, if you will, handling a vial of Ebola virus in a maternity ward.

Dropping a tape was no bother, as long as you didn't drop it into the sea or out of a helicopter door. Things are now a little different. Drop a card from any higher that 2mm and it will ping off into the middle distance of the nearby road and blend in with the surrounding asphalt, from where it will taunt and laugh at your butter fingered buffoonery.

Passers by will look at you in a strange manner as you crawl around on all fours in search of your afternoons work. Office workers will gawp at you as you forensically examine the flower bed under their window like a scene from CSI, (Vegas... Not Miami, which was shit.)

Your Journo will be laughing at you, but secretly aghast at the notion that the work may be lost, and they begin to get nervous. Producers back at the ranch will spit blue murder if they find out their plans for tonight's bulletin are lying on the A325, just South of Aldershot, a mere foot away from his Cameraman's desperate fingers.

All the while, the small thin piece of plastic with the metallic strip, containing the wise words of vox popped citizenry will be lying there, just next to your left foot where you see it as you crouch into a ball whilst holding your head and pulling at what's left of your hair.

The ball of fear knotted in your stomach dissipates, not just because of a 'mislaid' SD card, but because of those vox-pops, the sage like knowledge, and their importance in the well being of the very nation known only to news producers. (And the fact that the producer would make you do them all again.) Cue a huge sigh of relief.

So let this be a lesson to us all because apparently, this is what happened to a friend of mine and in no way whatsoever involves the author of this blog post. Just to make that perfectly clear. Here at the ukcameraman institute of TV news studies, we are a bit more careful.

Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter, and is hugely relieved for his 'Friend.'

TV News Cameraman Blamed For Everything.

I know I'm a little late blogging about this this story but, hell, it took me the two days to actually get over the crassness of this particular reporters way of going about his job to tell a story. Flooding in parts of India have killed and misplaced thousands, ruining already fragile lives and reducing many from poverty, to abject poverty. This story has since gone viral, but here's my view.

A little to the left... left... and... keep still.

Now we all know that the media industry is full of people who will actually climb over the shoulders of colleagues in the race to the top of the pole, but to climb on the shoulders of a poor, half drowned victim of flooding is taking it way too far in the pursuit of a good piece to camera. When caught out, he then blames the entire incident on his TV cameraman who was meant to frame out the unfortunate, wobbling man on whom sat this insensitive, ocean going prat.

Apparently, according to this post, the reporter has now been sacked by the TV news station that employed him, but I can't help think of the cameraman who let this happen in the first place, although I am unaware of the full circumstances of how this monumental balls up occurred at this time. It certainly wouldn't have got past me. I think the conversation with my journalist would have been something like this...

Journo: "There's no way I'm getting my new brogues wet, fetch me a poor flood victim upon whom I can perch..."

Me: "I'm sorry... What..?"

Journo: "a poor man... Perch... Shoes... My piece to camera awaits."

Me: "Perhaps we can use the bodies as stepping stones you utter twat, or take the only food they have... It's nearly lunchtime after all.."

Journo: "What are you trying to say..?"

Me: "I'm sorry, perhaps you are a little tired. Here, take this man's last vestiges of clothing to make a comfortable seat for your over privileged arse..."

I think he would have got the point that in no way whatsoever, would I be filming him sat upon a flood victims shoulders. Anyway, what news team goes into a flood hit area without the correct means of protecting themselves against the elements? A good pair of wellies would have been the very least he should have had and would have stopped all this stupidity.

Forgetting the snorkel equipment, my news field producer did the decent thing...

So I leave you with this picture of me filming our very own flooding in the South of England last year... We really needed to get close to film a good piece to camera. I know it looks shallow, but i am actually standing in about 7 foot deep flood water, and my field producer was a very kind fellow... We never saw him again.

You can watch the video here. ( TV station following up with copyright claims, so it might not last.)

Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter.

www.media-attention.co.uk

We Promise Not To Snigger...

I have often said that my job enables me to meet all kinds of people, from the richest to the poorest and from the famous, powerful and influential to the unknown. I have however, neglected to inform you all of a small minority of people that inhabit the same spaces we all live in... The stupid.

TV News Cameramen discover that the man burned his own house to the ground, after a petrol storage and cigarette combination causes devastation.

They are amongst us. The man or woman sitting next to you may be one of them, and when they strike, it becomes the duty of a TV News Cameraman to film the aftermath for the news watching populace.

Following an online conversation i had with various lens wielding reprobates, i was given a list of news items that were actually filmed for the TV News. These examples are by no means isolated... Remember, these people inhabit the same streets as us. ( Thanks to Bob Palmer for the headlines ).

1. House destroyed by fire after resident attempts an 'indoor BBQ'

2. Hit and run driver identified by imprint of licence plate on victims chest.

3. After purchasing his fourth Mercedes, a school official is jailed for embezzlement.

4. Residents unhappy following Police order to evacuate submerged homes.

These were actual news stories remember, they have not been made up. It is amazing sometimes just how some people have made it through life as far as they have already. Isn't it obvious that lighting a BBQ... INDOORS... is going to leave a few scorch marks..? Apparently not.

Got an average job with an average wage..? AND 4 MERCEDES..? The boys in blue, and your workmates are going to be just a little suspicious of your disposable income streams. And following your capture, arrest and court appearance, one of us may just point a TV camera at you and tell the nation of your stupidity... We promise not to snigger.

Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter.

www.media-attention.co.uk

If any of you who have just read the above post have any more headlines like the ones above, please leave a comment, we would love to see them and share. Thanks.

Testing.. Testing.. 1.. 2.. Oh Bollocks.

Bloopers, cock ups, call them what you will. When the gods of live broadcasting decide to ruin your day and embarrass you live on air, the only thing you can do is to carry on as if nothing has happened, even if you can't be heard. Take this BBC reporter for example... ( Watch the bottom of his Mic, just as he starts to speak. )



Following what was probably a hard day in difficult filming conditions, all Jeremy Cook had to do was to stand calf deep in flood water and present his report to the nation on the BBC News... Live. There is no chance of redemption, no retakes, no give me a few more seconds. You are on... Now.

And now is not the time for your equipment to conspire against you and make you look like a cack handed equipment wrecker in front of the nations eyes. Poor Jeremy. But there is a silver lining to this story. You see, the piece of equipment that dropped into the water is a wireless microphone transmitter, or better known to us cameramen in the slang term, as a 'Butt Plug'.

I could have written a better title for the search engines to find, such as: 'Jeremy Cook mishandles his butt plug live on BBC News'... But i won't. Poor Poor Jeremy.

Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter.

www.media-attention.co.uk