Canine calamity causes cameraman consternation.

So, just how does your average TV news cameraman go out to work and four hours later have his work splashed across the internet in a frenzy of piss taking, LOL's and BBC baiting via Twitter, Facebook and internet news sites? The answer is very easy... Just add a well known and respected weather presenter, a live transmission and one dog with a weak bladder.

Before going live, doggy got in some squatting practice. Pic by @carolkirkwood

 
Before the morning was over, my cameraman endeavors were to end up on the likes of Buzzfeed, Huffington Post (Comedy Section), The Telegraph, The Daily Mail, Metro and The Independent.  Hell, we even made the news in Brazil..! You are by now probably thinking that i am jinxed, and you might be right. Either things have a habit of happening to me, or it's just the way i look at things, finding the funny, if you will.

Guaranteed, should i be filming live news it will either rain, the local idiot will find me or i will step in the only dog turd in the surrounding three square miles, but hey, one gets used to the ups and downs of the broadcasting life and the awful things that i have witnessed courtesy of my sadistic news producers. (Politics, for instance.)

I thought yesterday however, that my luck had changed. I was to broadcast to the whole British nation on the most watched morning news show with the best known weather presenter in the form of Carol Kirkwood, Queen of the clouds and dispenser of short, sharp rainstorms. Not only that, i was to film from one of the nicest sandy beaches in the South of England on one of the hottest days of the year so far.

Things don't get much better. My star was in the ascendance, my flag was at full mast and my engine firing on all cylinders.

I may have spoken a little too soon. My flag pole soon drooped, my star fizzled out and my engine sputtered. All courtesy of a chocolate brown Labrador owned by my field producer for the day. I need not regale you of the intricacies of what it did, for due to the magical interwebs and a sprinkling of cameraman fairy dust you can watch what happened... In full.



I will admit that i saw what it was doing just a tad too late to make a difference. The damage was done. Live broadcasting is just that... Live, and there was bugger all i could do about it, until now. For the modern interwebs now allows me to get my own back by shaming the aforementioned canine in a manner that online Listicle readers will know and love... Dog shaming.

Dog shaming... Pic courtesy of owner @Gilly_Robinson

So if you will now excuse me, i'm off to prepare for another live news broadcast. News has just surfaced that the water quality of local beaches have taken a nosedive and the best sandy beach in the South of England has lost it's blue flag status. Hey, i'm a freelancer, and a job's a job...

Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter.

News Readers: 'Pussy Riot' Or 'Conflagration Of The Mimsy?'

Sometimes, news readers have great difficulty in pronouncing certain names or places, such as the Icelandic volcano Eyjafjallajokull that so tongue tied many a mouth piece. So, here's a question for all you coiffered, shiny toothed and strangely tanned news readers out there...

The very mention of the words may cause confusion.

I had an online chat with a fellow TV news cameraman from the US of A called Rick Portier, discussing the very pressing problem of news readers and the Russian punk / pop group called 'Pussy Riot.'

In our humble opinion, people should be called by their given or chosen name, just because the word 'Pussy' makes a cameraman / schoolboy giggle and news readers to blush, doesn't mean that news readers should avoid the word for the sake of public decency.

However...

Here at the ukcameraman institute of news studies, we have come up with a short list of alternatives for the bashful news reader should he or she fumble with the 'Pussy.' ( Ahem... Sorry.) Over here in the UK we are obviously very careful with our use of words and the offence they may cause, and in the Bible belt of the USA, the word 'Pussy' could be changed to more acceptable colloquialisms more in tune with their news watching public.

So here goes:

1. Conflagration of the mimsy.
2. Anarchic pudenda.
3. Feline free for all
4. Vagina melee. ( Medical term.)
5. Cat commotion.
6. Tabby tumult.
7. Kitten commotion.
8. Ocelot uproar.

Yes, i know there is only eight, but unlike Buzzfeed, i haven't got all bloody day to sit around making up a listicle for your pleasure and amusement, i've got work to do...

And please, please, if any of the delectable female BBC news readers are reading this, don't ever change the word 'Pussy,' it's what gets me to sleep at night.

Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter.

TV News Idea: 10 Ways To Spice Up Breakfast TV News Programmes.

Following on from the highly successful 'Fuctifyno News Quiz' that I invented a while back, which has now become a staple part of the evening news in Kuala Lumpur, Indonesia, I have thought long and hard over my lunch break for ways of spicing up the breakfast news bulletins...

Early eighties breakfast news... relaxed.

We should run the breakfast news along the lines of Tiswas, Saturday Superstore and Multi Coloured Swap Shop. Timmy Mallet and his mallet, however, would be just stupid.

1. News anchors of the day must be dressed as zombies, along with appropriate make up. This will liven up Monday mornings due to the public waking up in a blind panic, believing the zombie apocalypse occurred overnight on Sunday, just after tea time.

2. Studio guests must be made to conduct their interviews whilst on a mini trampoline wearing gold spandex mini shorts. Custard pies or buckets of water may be thrown randomly by a studio technician dressed as the Phantom Flan Flinger.

3. ALL outside broadcasting lives should be undertaken using an iPhone and public WiFi bandwidth, just to prove a point.

4. Politician guests are to get only ten seconds per answer to make their point. If they haven't finished at ten seconds, a custard pie to the face is administered by the interviewer.

5. Interviewers (off camera) are allowed to pull funny faces at the interviewee as they are talking. Gurning is advisable.

6. A full English breakfast is allowed on the studio table between 6am and 8am. Mainly because I would like to see male anchors drip egg yolk and baked bean juice down their ties. Strong, triple shots of espresso are to be consumed every 20 minutes from 6am.

7. Weather presenters should be forced to sing their forecasts to well known show tunes from the 50's and 60's. No exceptions.

8. Sports presenters are to wear the official clothing of the sports they are reporting about. On air, rapid costume changes must be undertaken as they report.

9. Reporters who appear live from a remote newsroom environment are to run the gauntlet of a Harlem Shake style dance off in the background by early morning cleaning staff, or bunny ears performed by the news producer of the day.

10. Finally, famous guests who only appear towards the end of the programme should be made to beg, via the medium of mime, for the viewing public to buy their new book / DVD / album that they are shamelessly plugging, plus a substantial payment to a charity of the news anchors choice.

I truly believe that the above advisory list should be taken up by all breakfast news broadcasters, with the possibility of a cross over into 24 hour, rolling news. Not only will it make bad news a little easier to swallow, but will encourage and cajole the populace into a better frame of mind in the mornings as they eat their gruel before trudging to another dull day in the office.

Senior news producers... Call me. I'm full of great ideas.

Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter.

www.media-attention.co.uk

The Monday Meme... No 4. TV Cameraman Trumps Presenter.

The next time you sit down to watch a tv show about climbing the North face of the Eiger, hiking the length of the Serengeti looking for dangerous kittens, descending into North Pole ice caves or generally showing just how tough the presenter is, remember just one thing as you push that burger into your face...

Presenters... Rough, Tough, but always come second place in the race to the top of the mountain.

That's right... Just who do you think is standing in front of the sweaty, out of breath presenter as they claim victory over the elements of nature..? Who is it that they turn to as they breathlessly pontificate about their adventurous spirit and acts of derring do..?

The TV Cameraman... That's who. As the presenter huffs and puffs the last few steps to reveal the view, wiping the dirt from their brow whilst carefully avoiding damaging their logo'd sportswear, the faithful recorder of these momentous occasions will possibly roll their eyes.

You see, the cameraman has probably been there for a good while, carefully sequencing the shots as the overpaid hairdo with matching teeth gradually advances up the slope. The presenter may say something to the watching lens like...

"That was a tough climb, dangerous yet exhilarating... But take a look at the view.."

Whilst the cameraman is thinking to themselves...

"Yeah, I did it three hours ago carrying a tv camera, tripod, batteries, a huge roll of gaffers tape and a bag of cheesy puffs. Plus a grumpy sound man who complains about the wind noise..."

So next time you see your favourite hero selflessly endangering themselves for your viewing pleasure, think about the poor sap who had to film it... You didn't see the presenter lugging the tripod up the slope did you..? No... You didn't. He had a day sack, containing sandwiches and a flask of coffee, a mobile phone and a big fat tv contract.

Oh, and another thing. As the presenter stands atop the conquered mountain in their expensive logo'd storm jacket, climbing trousers and boots, with a steely eyed glare and just a hint of 'roughing it' stubble, (Which includes the lady presenters) the TV cameraman is probably stood there in a pair of cargo shorts, flip flops and an AC/DC World Tour T-Shirt, circa 1976.

Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter.

www.media-attention.co.uk