Wednesday, 2 July 2014

Charles: A Prince among TV news cameramen.

OK, I now believe things are getting wildly out of control on the TV news cameraman front.

Not only do we have to deal with the up and coming boy band haired, spotty youth of today with their lightweight, nimble and agile cameras that can shoot in 4K and are the size of a particularly small chihuahua, but we now have Royalty trying to muscle in on our turf...

"£2000 per hour you say..? Is that with the lens cap on or off..?"

HRH Prince Charles was seen today at a Sony centre, trying out the latest model of TV news camera, and is apparently intent on setting up his own news crews business. ( Pic courtesy of @loic415 ) Oh Charles... What have you gone and done...

Well, at least I know what a TV camera is supposed to have attached to it in order to make it work and that you can actually see what it is that you are filming.

Look, I know that this is a set up shot of the Prince getting down and giggly with the press pack that he (Ahem) gets along well with, but at the very least someone should have attached a viewfinder, camera mic, top light etc, and for the love of all that is holy will his footman please, PLEASE remove the lens cap.

I also got to wondering... I bet he never gets startled out of bed on a wintry morning with a news desk call at 4am to go and film a crack house fire. You can imagine it can't you... I know I can...

4am: Clarence House, South Wing above the orangery...

Ring Ring... Ring Ring...

Charles: "Can one wait a sec..? (Cough, splutter... Scratch.) Charlie's News Crews, Can one help one..?"

Newsdesk: "Yeah... BBC 'ere... Get yer arse down to Brighton. Crack house fire. Two dead. Call me when you get there..." Click...brrrrr...

Charles: (Sniff... Scratch.) "Camilla..? One has to...."

Camilla: "zzzzz... (Adjusts hair rollers.) Eh..? Wha..? Wake one up and one will die... Zzzzzz"

Charles: (Lights a cigarette.) "Footman..! Footman..! One has to earn one's crust, get one's camera kit ready would one..?"

Footman: "Yes Your Royal Majestyness, right away Sir..."

Charles: "And get one's Royal carriage warmed up... The one with the four horses and two footmen attached should do it... Pronto..."

Charles fumbles in the dark to find his cargo shorts, flip flops and Hawaian shirt. Whilst in the hallway he trips over Prince George's sticklebricks and Lego set.

Charles: "Yeaaargh..! YahamuthaFuckinBastard..! Ow..! Ow..! Ow..!"

Camilla: "CHARLES..! Will one kindly shut one's big flappy cake hole... You'll wake William and Kate... They are asleep in the front room on the pull out spare air bed... So BE QUIET..!"

Charles quietly slips down the stairs and into the kitchen. A rumble of horses hooves breaks the night air and the sound of baby Prince George's cries fill the dark void. The lights come on, blinding Charles...

Kate: "Well, thank one so much... One is up now isn't one... Might as well make a brew. Darjeeling or builders tea..? Oh, and i've put some biscuits in your run bag... Duchy Originals..."

Charles: "WHAT..? Christ on a bike woman, we can't afford those..! I'm on a freelancer's wages now y'know. Anyway, one knows one only drinks Earl Grey... One will take it in one's thermos."

Kate: "Well, one can't be too choosy this time of the effin' morning can one..? And don't be late home for ones state banquet this evening... The Prime Minister's coming round..."

Charles: (picks up camera and run bag.) "Oh for the love of... (Sigh) One will try my dear... One will try..."

Charles steps out into the cold wet air, the crunch of snow beneath his feet echoing around the South Wing of Clarence House. As he settles into the state coach, his driver whips the horses and they make off into the early morning darkness at a steady lick towards Brighton.

Charles: "Footman..? Can one hurry, one has to be back early, the last state banquet ended up in the dogs and Camilla's only just started talking to me again."

Footman: "Yes Sir... Oh, and Sir..? Should I call the BBC to see what happened to your last invoice for work last week..? Remember Sir..? The court story when you were threatened by a particularly large gentleman from the travelling community..? The one your bodyguard killed... I do believe Sir... That you are owed Royalties"

Charles: "Cushty..."

And with that dear readers, I shall leave you. Please try the chicken in a basket... I'm here all week.

Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter.