Thursday, 27 June 2013

TV News Cameraman Blamed For Everything.

I know I'm a little late blogging about this this story but, hell, it took me the two days to actually get over the crassness of this particular reporters way of going about his job to tell a story. Flooding in parts of India have killed and misplaced thousands, ruining already fragile lives and reducing many from poverty, to abject poverty. This story has since gone viral, but here's my view.

A little to the left... left... and... keep still.

Now we all know that the media industry is full of people who will actually climb over the shoulders of colleagues in the race to the top of the pole, but to climb on the shoulders of a poor, half drowned victim of flooding is taking it way too far in the pursuit of a good piece to camera. When caught out, he then blames the entire incident on his TV cameraman who was meant to frame out the unfortunate, wobbling man on whom sat this insensitive, ocean going prat.

Apparently, according to this post, the reporter has now been sacked by the TV news station that employed him, but I can't help think of the cameraman who let this happen in the first place, although I am unaware of the full circumstances of how this monumental balls up occurred at this time. It certainly wouldn't have got past me. I think the conversation with my journalist would have been something like this...

Journo: "There's no way I'm getting my new brogues wet, fetch me a poor flood victim upon whom I can perch..."

Me: "I'm sorry... What..?"

Journo: "a poor man... Perch... Shoes... My piece to camera awaits."

Me: "Perhaps we can use the bodies as stepping stones you utter twat, or take the only food they have... It's nearly lunchtime after all.."

Journo: "What are you trying to say..?"

Me: "I'm sorry, perhaps you are a little tired. Here, take this man's last vestiges of clothing to make a comfortable seat for your over privileged arse..."

I think he would have got the point that in no way whatsoever, would I be filming him sat upon a flood victims shoulders. Anyway, what news team goes into a flood hit area without the correct means of protecting themselves against the elements? A good pair of wellies would have been the very least he should have had and would have stopped all this stupidity.

Forgetting the snorkel equipment, my news field producer did the decent thing...

So I leave you with this picture of me filming our very own flooding in the South of England last year... We really needed to get close to film a good piece to camera. I know it looks shallow, but i am actually standing in about 7 foot deep flood water, and my field producer was a very kind fellow... We never saw him again.

You can watch the video here. ( TV station following up with copyright claims, so it might not last.)

Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter.

Tuesday, 25 June 2013

Here's The News... Brought To You By Dunkin' Doughnuts.

In this post, I would like to take you back to the media, and what that word actually means. Here at the ukcameraman institute of TV news studies, we like to think of the media as TV, newspapers, radio and magazines, you know, traditional media... A means of disseminating information and entertainment to the masses and a watchdog to the governments of the day.

doughnuts... Full of yummy, yummy media stuff.

Social media and online media is rapidly taking over the way in which that information and entertainment is disseminated. It's just the means of consumption that is changing and the speed at which it occurs, but the content changes little. Video, Audio, Photos and text. Multi-media and gaming even.

However, listening to The Guardian's Media Talk podcast this morning, hosted by John Plunkett, it would appear that the food company Dunkin' Doughnuts, consider themselves not only a purveyor of sweet glazed, jam filled doughiness, but also as a media company. Yes, you read that right... Doughnut company and media in the same sentence.

Listening to the podcast, I was hoping for stories, videos, radio stuff and articles from this new global media company that also sells doughnuts. What we get however, is an App for your smartphone that alerts you to the fact that if you fail to buy a doughnut within a certain timeframe, your money off voucher will expire. Mind blowing, in depth media stuff, I'm sure you will agree...

Media company my hairy arse.

John gamely spoke to a few people about this new media company. They spoke of the redefinition of media, anywhere that ideas and people actually meet, becoming part of someone's routine, engaging enriching and enhancing people's lives. They talked of compelling people to engage with brands on an epic scale.

What they were talking about of course, was marketing and advertising, not media. What they actually wanted to do, was to sell you a doughnut. Read the above again, and you will see the pernicious marketing and ad man talk that is pervasive of social media by the marketeers and ad men. It is not media.

Media should inform, educate and entertain. What Dunkin' Doughnuts is trying to do, is to sell me a doughnut via the guise of calling themselves a media company. They are not a media company... They sell doughnuts. Do you hear me..? DOUGHNUTS!

Perhaps if they want to be a media company, they should make some proper media and educate me with an article, film or radio programme about, oh I dunno... Obesity in the modern western world. Just a thought. Link to it via the App, and hey presto... We can see it whilst in the queue at the local doughnut emporium.

Now if you will excuse me, I'm off out... For a Krispy Kreme.

Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter.

Monday, 24 June 2013

The Shaming Of A TV News Cameraman To A Funky Funky Beat.

As is usual for a TV News Cameraman, I'm sitting quietly in a car park just outside of Aldershot waiting for a phone call. Nothing important, but I need to wait for another filming job. As an ordinary kind of bloke, I begin to pick at my ear hair and think its about time for another go with the gentleman's electrical ear hair remover thingy, the one that I believe will do me some serious damage one day, when a slow booming rumble behind me alerts my attention to something unusual. Boom, boom, boom.

The latest in Hip Hop car stereos...

What the actual f...

A blue VW Golf pulls up about three spaces away from where I am sat. However, I now appear to be the one and only audience member of an open air hip hop concert and the speakers have just arrived, fitted to a small hatchback. Boom, boom, boom.

The two sports capped lads in the car appear not to have noticed I am there and ignore the obvious horror on my face. They are big lads, young, tattooed and slack jawed, so I decide against intruding on their musical appreciation of the hip hop genre by asking them if they would turn their music down, just a wee bit... Boom, boom, boom. Their heads are bouncing to the bass heavy beat. I, on the other hand am unsure whether I am listening to East or West coast hip hop as my understanding and appreciation of such music is somewhat shaky, if not entirely invalid. Boom, boom, boom.

I can't quite get my head around the quick fire rapid lyrics, something about butts, bitches and an awful lot of dollars, but... My word, he's going to put a cap where..? Surely a cap is for wearing on your head... With the peak facing forward in the proper position.

Boom, boom, boom. If this is West coast American music, then The Beach Boys have certainly changed their portfolio of songs in a close harmony singing style, so I decide that this is East coast, from the 'hood, as they say.

You see, in contrast to the simplistic rhyme pattern utilised by old school surfing dudes, East coast hip hop has been noted for its emphasis on lyrical dexterity. It has also been characterised by multi-syllabic rhymes, complex wordplay, a continuous free-flowing delivery and intricate metaphors... one would imagine.

I wind my window up and put on the radio. I decide that Woman's Hour on Radio Four is no competition to the nearby funky beat what with its complete lack of heavy bass lines, so I go for the more youthful tunes on Radio Two... I'll show 'em. I turn the volume all the way to 7... No, hang on... 6, that'll do, I don't want to overdo it.

After another three or four minutes the mobile hip hop show leaves and the boom, boom, boom recedes into the distance leaving me and the surrounding car park listening to a louder than usual rendition of The Love Cats by The Cure. I give myself a celebratory 'Yeah..!' as an elderly gentleman with his equally elderly wife walk past. They both look at me. I can tell by his face that he holds my youthful exuberance in utter contempt for having my music on too loud and he slowly shakes his head at the youth of today... I can almost hear his tutting from here.

'But didn't you hear the horrible loud hip hop..?' I think to myself. 'It wasn't me, I was just... I'm a BBC News Cameraman y'know..' I plead to his better nature, but to no avail.

Oh, what's the use. I hang my head in shame at being an overly loud anti-social berk with a worrying penchant for early 80's gothic rock music, and no consideration for those in my current surroundings. I sit in silence and wait for my phone call.

Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter.

Saturday, 22 June 2013

TV News Cameraman's Dream Day.

It's been a slow news week here on the freelance front of news gathering so, at the ukcameraman institute of TV news studies, I have commissioned an in depth poll into what I would like to film before I pack in this whole sorry way of life, or I die in the line of duty filming a overturned delicatessen truck, drowning in an avalanche of sausage rolls, Danish pastry and chocolate sprinkles on the M3 just outside Basingstoke.

Zarg was stunned at the custard pie incident.

I have filmed many strange, wonderful and downright freaky stuff for the televisual news viewer over the years, but there are a number of things that have not occurred yet, mostly because of the laws of physics, not being in the right place at the right time, because they are a figment of my warped mind or because it is just plain bollocks. Here are some of them...

1. The women's all in world jelly wrestling championships (sport)

2. Prime Minister caught with custard pie to the face. (Politics)

3. Demonstration outside Parliament by the UK clown association. (Home Affairs)

4. The Martian invasion begins. (World news)

5. Mugger sentenced to 15 years to life. (Crime)

Any one of the above news scenarios would indeed make my, or any news cameraman's day, and give me something to dine out on for the next 40 years or so. I do however have one single all time favourite recurring dream that just won't leave my head...

Whilst filming the all in jelly wrestling championships, I am called away to Parliament where scuffles have broken out between the Police and the UK clown association, over one their members being sentenced to 15 years to life for a mugging offence whilst dressed as a Coco the clown. During the protest, the Martian invasion begins when spaceships land on Parliament square, declaring peace on Earth and food for all. The prime Minister approaches Martian leader as our human representative, and gets a custard pie square in the face by a disgruntled clown.

Being the only cameraman there, and on my own freelance time, I reckon I would make a fortune from that roll of pixels. I would be rich beyond the dreams of avarice, thus avoiding the delicatessen truck incident in Basingstoke.

That my friends, would be a good news day. Until then, back to the reality of a local politician declaring paper clips a health and safety hazard to small mammals. Or am I still dreaming..?

Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter.

Saturday, 15 June 2013

A Kick In The Balls... Now That's Entertainment.

Good things come to the TV News cameraman who waits. The times when all the standing in the rain on court steps makes it worth it... Swings and roundabouts. just lots of roundabouts and not enough swing if you will.

You all must know me by now. Grumpy, yet oh so loveable and approachable. I know how to say my pleases and thank you's in all the right places. Sometimes I may even crack a smile to disarm even the most shy of camera shy persons.

Sharp suited Muso's... Disappointing.

So you can imagine my excitement when out of the corner of my eye yesterday, whilst filming at the Isle Of Wight music festival, I spotted one of the few musicians that I would actually listen to willingly, and have even bought a number of their albums over the years.

I've been listening to the music of Paul Weller since I was a spotty youth in my mod phase in the early Eighties. He was lead singer of The Jam back then, with drainpipe trousers, sharp jackets, sharper haircuts and thin ties. I aspired to owning a pair of two tone 'Jam' shoes such was my idolatry of this fine band. I mod bopped to Going Underground, The Eton Rifles and desperately wanted to visit A Town Called Malice. He was the man who made me buy a fishtail parka with a target on the back. Boy, did I look like a dick. The Modfather I was not, but the local working man's club disco night dance floors had seen nothing like it...

Armed with my pleases and thank you's and my best disarming smile, we approached the man. He was three feet away. My teenage years flashed before my eyes in a Top of the Pops montage, (without Jimmy Savile) the music a swirl in my head. At last, I get to speak and interact with one of my few idols. Maybe even get a picture with him putting his hand on my shoulder and smiling together... One for the cameraman album.

"Mr Weller... BBC News, any chance of a quick chat on camera about the festival..?"

"Sorry guys, I gotta go..."

And with that, he was gone. He may have split a hair or something. Maybe the bar was calling, or his guitar needed a polish, in any case we got the bums rush and short shrift. My crest had fallen. My bubble was burst and my stiff upper lip de-stiffened. He never even said thanks to me for buying that single all those years ago... How could he do this to me? 95p I spent on that bloody single, you would think he would be more grateful.

They say never meet your idols. They can disappoint, let you down and make you change your view of them. Paul Weller once sang the lyrics...

'Lights going out and a kick in the balls, i say that's entertainment, that's entertainment.' (That's Entertainment, The Jam, 1980.)

It sure is Paul, it sure is. However, he did say sorry before he kicked me in the balls and left my deflated cameraman frame alone in the gutter, sans interview. He's a busy man, I forgive him.

I walk away and consoled myself with a memory of another festival years ago, when my one time teenage crush, Debbie Harry, let me put my hand up her jumper. (I was placing a mic) A warm glow enveloped me, at least she didn't leave me hanging on the telephone... That's a memory I will have forever.

Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter.

Tuesday, 11 June 2013

A Journalists Guide To TV News Cameras.

A TV News Camera is a delicate piece of equipment. Therefore, not to be messed around with by fat fingered journalists and producers. As a journalist, should you ever come across a tv news camera in your day to day work, the handy cut out and keep guide below should be placed in a prominent position to remind you of your fat fingered-ness.

Failure to comply with the flow chart, which has been tried and tested over a number of years, will result in you annoying the cameraman to whom it belongs. If you would like further information on how to annoy a tv news cameraman, please click here.


NEWS CAMERA OPERATORS: Please feel free to copy, paste or print this flow chart and place in an appropriate place where journo's etc may see your camera and want to play with it. At the very least, you may see an upturn in the amount of free coffees coming your way...

Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter.

Paxman, Newsnight And Delicate Linguistic Nuances.

Welcome back to the ukcameraman Institute of TV News Studies. As you are probably aware, I watch the news a lot. More than is probably healthy for a man who works in the TV news industry. I have my favourite programmes that I like to watch, chief amongst which is BBC Newsnight with Jeremy Paxman.

Jeremy Paxman... Unable as yet, to swear at his guests...

Now, for the benefit of my foreign readers, Jeremy Paxman, or 'Paxo' to me and his good friends, is known as the journalistic Rottweiler of British TV news broadcasting, with a fearsome reputation amongst the higher echelons of political and corporate life. A withering look or a rapier like rebuttal from an argumentative Paxo is like a stake to the heart of many a governmental mouthpiece.

As good as Paxo is at his job however, I believe that Newsnight and the BBC should relax the rules on language during live broadcasts, but only in the case of Newsnight. We wouldn't want f-bombs during the next instalment of CBeebies now, would we? No, what I mean is, I would like the BBC to give free rein to Paxo to use at random, and at his own discretion, the word 'Bollocks' after the 9pm watershed, when anti-answer spin tactics are deployed by interviewees.

Imagine this scenario if you will. You have settled down to watch Newsnight in your dressing gown and slippers, perhaps with a warming mug of cocoa and a chocolate Hobnob to help you wind down...

Paxo: "Minister, would it be advisable to relax the rules on complex inter governmental department spending and procurement procedures during a time of austerity for the British public..?"

Minister: "What I think the public should be worried about is the quite ludicrous proposals of the opposition. With regards to shadow cabinet expenditure white papers..."

Paxo: (interrupting) "Bollocks..."

After wiping the cocoa and Hobnob spray from your tv screen, think about what just happened... It cuts right to the bone doesn't it? No need for complex argument and clever questioning to get to the heart of the matter and gets the minister to answer the question put to them. A simple 'Bollocks' is all that is required to get them all flustered. Imagine the difference it would have made to the now infamous interview with the then Home Secretary Micheal Howard...

Mr Paxman, if you are reading this, please put forward my proposal for inclusion of the word 'Bollocks' into the BBC allowable word phrase book. (Newsnight only) Should this tactic work, may I also put forward for inclusion the word 'Fucknut.' With kindest regards etc...

Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter.

Monday, 10 June 2013

TV News Idea: 10 Ways To Spice Up Breakfast TV News Programmes.

Following on from the highly successful 'Fuctifyno News Quiz' that I invented a while back, which has now become a staple part of the evening news in Kuala Lumpur, Indonesia, I have thought long and hard over my lunch break for ways of spicing up the breakfast news bulletins...

Early eighties breakfast news... relaxed.

We should run the breakfast news along the lines of Tiswas, Saturday Superstore and Multi Coloured Swap Shop. Timmy Mallet and his mallet, however, would be just stupid.

1. News anchors of the day must be dressed as zombies, along with appropriate make up. This will liven up Monday mornings due to the public waking up in a blind panic, believing the zombie apocalypse occurred overnight on Sunday, just after tea time.

2. Studio guests must be made to conduct their interviews whilst on a mini trampoline wearing gold spandex mini shorts. Custard pies or buckets of water may be thrown randomly by a studio technician dressed as the Phantom Flan Flinger.

3. ALL outside broadcasting lives should be undertaken using an iPhone and public WiFi bandwidth, just to prove a point.

4. Politician guests are to get only ten seconds per answer to make their point. If they haven't finished at ten seconds, a custard pie to the face is administered by the interviewer.

5. Interviewers (off camera) are allowed to pull funny faces at the interviewee as they are talking. Gurning is advisable.

6. A full English breakfast is allowed on the studio table between 6am and 8am. Mainly because I would like to see male anchors drip egg yolk and baked bean juice down their ties. Strong, triple shots of espresso are to be consumed every 20 minutes from 6am.

7. Weather presenters should be forced to sing their forecasts to well known show tunes from the 50's and 60's. No exceptions.

8. Sports presenters are to wear the official clothing of the sports they are reporting about. On air, rapid costume changes must be undertaken as they report.

9. Reporters who appear live from a remote newsroom environment are to run the gauntlet of a Harlem Shake style dance off in the background by early morning cleaning staff, or bunny ears performed by the news producer of the day.

10. Finally, famous guests who only appear towards the end of the programme should be made to beg, via the medium of mime, for the viewing public to buy their new book / DVD / album that they are shamelessly plugging, plus a substantial payment to a charity of the news anchors choice.

I truly believe that the above advisory list should be taken up by all breakfast news broadcasters, with the possibility of a cross over into 24 hour, rolling news. Not only will it make bad news a little easier to swallow, but will encourage and cajole the populace into a better frame of mind in the mornings as they eat their gruel before trudging to another dull day in the office.

Senior news producers... Call me. I'm full of great ideas.

Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter.

Friday, 7 June 2013

News Producers Place TV News Cameraman In Mortal Danger.

All TV news producers should read this. A news cameraman's life is in your hands on a daily basis.

Due to my traumatic experience, i will be sleeping downstairs tonight...

It was another day and seemingly another usual TV news filming opportunity under the watchful eyes of the corporate Health and Safety watchdogs. I have written about this before, and as such, listened with a bit more seriousness than I otherwise would have, due to the now infamous 'stubbed toe débâcle,' that made world headlines in Health and Safety magazine. So i listened... Until that is, I was informed of just how dangerous a situation my heartless news producers had placed me in.

"Please be careful when entering and exiting the building via the stairways. Please make use of the handrail at all times and take one step at a time. Do not run... Should you need assistance, please ask a member of staff..."

I'm glad they told me that, as my eyes widened in horror. For I have not undertaken the three day 'Walking up and down the stairs, (cameraman)' safety course, nor the 'Harness and rope access (General broadcast)' course. It appeared that my news producers had recklessly put me into the line of mortal danger without a second thought. The bastards.

A TV news cameraman can usually take the steps three or four at a time whilst carrying a camera, sound bag and tripod, but this, i am told, is not advisable in the corporate, risk averse world. I asked if i should fill out a 6 page risk assessment form before going downstairs as gravitational and stupidity issues could impede my stable ambulatory progress and, I had forgotten my crampons.

You see, falling down stairs is the easy bit. Sure, you may snap a few vital bones or split your gizzard on the way down, but the real damage comes with the landing at the bottom. It even has an official medical term... 'Rapid cameraman deceleration trauma.' It's ugly to witness. Blood, snot, plastic and glass everywhere... There are a few Paramedics who have seen it and cannot sleep at night.

It would seem that putting one foot in front of the other is a dangerous pastime in corporate UK and so i learned, is going outside. I was informed that the ground was uneven, trip hazards were abundant, moving vehicles could crush me and machinery could mangle me to a bloody pulp. To avoid any risk of certain death outside, I was given a high visibility vest.

I thought about it... What if I fell down the stairs by stupidly taking two steps at a time, without holding the handrail, rolled out into the road and was hit by a truck thereby hurling me into a nearby, yet handily placed mangling machine..? Don't worry I tell myself, I have a high visibility vest... Nothing can go wrong, and I try not to think about it. Damn it producers, I should have done the course...

However, thanks to the kind health and safety lady, I was now well informed of the risks to my bodily wellbeing. I am a TV news cameraman, I can do this. I psyched myself up for the stairwell, summoned my inner Sherpa Tensing, and managed all two flights of steps without incident. Although at one heart pounding point, three steps from the bottom, the health and safety lady clutched my elbow in reassurance as i got a bit wobbly at the knees. So near yet so far...

The health and safety lady smiled at me as we finally reached ground level. She was so proud. So was I, for without harness, ropes and safety courses denied to me by my heartless producers, I descended all of the fifteen to twenty feet diagonal descent without breaking anything. It was a close call, my life hung by a mere thread.

I breathed a sigh of relief. No cameraman should ever have to go through this without a recognised safety course and certificate, oh... and a nominal dangerous duties (Cash) payment.

Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter

Wednesday, 5 June 2013

TV Sports News... Or... Filming A Gentleman's Googlies...

First of all, let me reassure you that filming a Gentleman's googlies is not sexy slang. Nor is filming him in the act of rubbing his ball until it shines and gives 'good swing.' You see, the rain has stopped just long enough for the British two week Summer, and it is time for some action...

Far in the distance, a player runs... And the crowd go wild.

With apologies to my American readers, I am talking about the great British sport of cricket, and will attempt to describe the sheer excitement of my filming day. Yesterday, I found myself tasked with the duty of filming a county cricket match for the delight of our TV news viewers who are partial to a sport that lasts four days, (I repeat... Four days) has night watchmen and lunch and tea breaks.

You see, filming cricket is a leisurely affair, where you can read a book whilst the 'sporting action' is being played out on the field. You can even go to sleep for an hour, wake up, and absolutely nothing has happened.

This is why I like filming cricket. Occasionally, a loud cry of 'Howzaaaat..?' goes up, maybe even a 'Howizeee..?' for a change. The crowd stir slightly in a fevered excitement, the umpire shakes his head and we all fall asleep again. Someone may emit a rueful sigh or a tut, but this is frowned upon in gentlemanly cricket circles.

A ripple of applause may sometimes circulate the small crowd of fans, meaning someone tried very hard to score but didn't, or the bowler may have finished his over without dismissing the batsman. It is possible that a particularly fine spinner delivered a full toss on the off stump which bypassed the silly mid off, resulting in an 'extra.' (Stay with me America...) These things though are rare, confirmed by a retired army Colonel with binoculars in front of me muttering 'Oh, i say... what a corker...' before promptly dozing off again.

As the sun beats down, I adjusted my wide brimmed hat, applied more sun lotion and ordered another cup of tea. Out of all the men on the field of play only one man, the bowler, is running. I film him. This lasts approximately 5 seconds before the burst of sporting energy dissipates and the ball misses the target. Nothing happens for a further thirty to forty seconds before he will do it again. Time for a sandwich.

Eventually, the gods of cricket decide that we have had enough Summer sport, and send dark clouds over the pitch around 3pm, rendering the rest of today's game too dark to play. The umpire decides to call it off until 10am the next day due to 'bad light.' What a waste, they had only been playing for five hours today, and it's over already... How time flies.

Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter.

Lost Documentary News Crew Found In Jungle.

News has just reached us here at the ukcameraman institute of TV news studies, that a new tribe of as yet uncontacted people called the Bolex tribe, have been discovered deep in the Amazon jungle.

The Amazon jungle... Remarkably similar to a hedgerow in Hampshire, UK.

My contact in the United States told me that a documentary crew from CBS news, at the time covering the destruction of the Amazon rain forests, claimed to have found evidence from a previous filming expedition that were lost to the BBC in 1952. It was assumed that the original BBC documentary crew had perished in the jungle after becoming disorientated, and had succumbed to hunger and disease.

Further to this, two further BBC documentary crews were sent into the jungle to find and document what had happened to the original crew, however they too, were never seen again. The then Director General of the BBC was quoted as saying,

"This is a damn poor show. Apart from losing 16 technicians, 4 directors and 3 producers, the BBC has lost 3 Bolex film cameras, sound equipment and a very expensive set of tripods which cannot be easily replaced. As for the film stock... This could have been used on other programmes."

Efforts to reach the tribe have so far been unsuccessful, however rumours abound that small, pale skinned tribesmen have been spotted in the jungle wearing banana fronds fashioned into a rudimentary pith helmet, who apparently tell the time of day in Kelvin measurements. When approached, the tribesmen yelled "Action..!" before disappearing back into the jungle. A female member of the tribe was also said to have the name 'Pippa.'

The CBS crew, having just returned from the Amazon, told me that far from having perished in 1952, the BBC documentary crews may have been captured by unknown tribes and were eventually assimilated into the local way of life. This has since been clarified by a field researcher in the Amazon basin who sent a message confirming the existence of the Bolex Tribe, who speak a rudimentary pidgin English, pray to a glass eyed god and insist on drinking a tea made from dried nut husks with added monkey milk.

Efforts on behalf of the BBC to confirm the discovery are ongoing here at the ukcameraman institute of TV news studies. The current BBC Director General was not available for comment, however the head of the BBC news HR and departmental expenses, has sent me this statement:

"Following the recent news, we are delighted to finally know what happened. We hope that in due course, the BBC can finally recover the film and write off the accrued costs and associated expenses of stock and filming equipment that has been dogging our spreadsheets since 1952. 

We also look forward to the return of our crew members back to the BBC, where form HR249.2 (Pension agreements, 1976.) await their signatures, and expenses forms can be finalised."

Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter.