Wednesday, 30 January 2013

TV News Cameraman Solves World Crisis.

It's a well known fact that standing on street corners for a period of time lets you think. You see, us TV News Cameramen think about all sorts whilst keeping a beady eye on the door we are watching, or whilst in the news van waiting for our next assignment.

Solving world peace... one assignment at a time.

Personally, i have solved the Middle East problem in one afternoon of hard thinking with a luke warm cup of tea and a cheese and pickle sandwich. The current financial crisis is easily worked out in half an hour when you are sat on a cold wall outside court, thereby fixing unemployment, homelessness, the national debt and the retail growth economy all in one go.

Seriously, any passing politician, religious leader or Ban Ki-Moon should just ask the news crew outside. Instead of a very well paid job in a warm office building, attending endless meetings and getting all tied up in diplomatic speak, ask the guys and girls outside for their opinion. We've been thinking about this sort of stuff for years.

We don't go in for religious or racial disharmony. We don't worry about a big fat pension from the taxpayer after a 50 year career in politics. We don't spin out the current crisis thereby taking years to fix whilst costing billions of Dollars and many thousands of lives. No... It's too bloody cold and wet outside, so we get to the heart of the problem, think it through to solve the issue before the next round of crap refreshments.

Here's how it works... I think every meeting of politicians, religious leaders, bankers and the next G8 meeting of world leaders should be held on the pavement, just outside the Old Bailey in London... In Winter. Ask any news cameraman... It's a bastard. But it would sort them out toot sweet, and problems would be solved in no time, probably just before afternoon tea and cucumber sandwiches. It would save us all a fortune.

But camera crews don't just think about the important stuff. Oh my word no... For example, just exactly how many squirrels would it take to make a pair of warm gloves..? Five, that's how many, i worked it out.

See..? A cameraman's mind tends to drift. Einstein was wrong when he announced that E=MC2. As Monty Python correctly surmised, it depends entirely on whether the Swallow is African or European. It could be that E=MC2-1.3... In which case we are all doomed.

Truck drivers, i have figured out, overtake each other on dual carriageways at 1 mph difference, not to keep up the momentum of a heavy goods vehicle... No... It's because they are utter, utter bastards.

And i often think... Just what would happen if i had a bottle of Bushmills whiskey, a darkened room, 3 well known female newsreaders, a childs paddling pool and a bottle of baby lotion..?

Oh dear, have i been typing out loud again..?

Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter