Saturday, 22 June 2013

TV News Cameraman's Dream Day.

It's been a slow news week here on the freelance front of news gathering so, at the ukcameraman institute of TV news studies, I have commissioned an in depth poll into what I would like to film before I pack in this whole sorry way of life, or I die in the line of duty filming a overturned delicatessen truck, drowning in an avalanche of sausage rolls, Danish pastry and chocolate sprinkles on the M3 just outside Basingstoke.

Zarg was stunned at the custard pie incident.

I have filmed many strange, wonderful and downright freaky stuff for the televisual news viewer over the years, but there are a number of things that have not occurred yet, mostly because of the laws of physics, not being in the right place at the right time, because they are a figment of my warped mind or because it is just plain bollocks. Here are some of them...

1. The women's all in world jelly wrestling championships (sport)

2. Prime Minister caught with custard pie to the face. (Politics)

3. Demonstration outside Parliament by the UK clown association. (Home Affairs)

4. The Martian invasion begins. (World news)

5. Mugger sentenced to 15 years to life. (Crime)

Any one of the above news scenarios would indeed make my, or any news cameraman's day, and give me something to dine out on for the next 40 years or so. I do however have one single all time favourite recurring dream that just won't leave my head...

Whilst filming the all in jelly wrestling championships, I am called away to Parliament where scuffles have broken out between the Police and the UK clown association, over one their members being sentenced to 15 years to life for a mugging offence whilst dressed as a Coco the clown. During the protest, the Martian invasion begins when spaceships land on Parliament square, declaring peace on Earth and food for all. The prime Minister approaches Martian leader as our human representative, and gets a custard pie square in the face by a disgruntled clown.

Being the only cameraman there, and on my own freelance time, I reckon I would make a fortune from that roll of pixels. I would be rich beyond the dreams of avarice, thus avoiding the delicatessen truck incident in Basingstoke.

That my friends, would be a good news day. Until then, back to the reality of a local politician declaring paper clips a health and safety hazard to small mammals. Or am I still dreaming..?

Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter.