Monday, 10 June 2013

TV News Idea: 10 Ways To Spice Up Breakfast TV News Programmes.

Following on from the highly successful 'Fuctifyno News Quiz' that I invented a while back, which has now become a staple part of the evening news in Kuala Lumpur, Indonesia, I have thought long and hard over my lunch break for ways of spicing up the breakfast news bulletins...

Early eighties breakfast news... relaxed.

We should run the breakfast news along the lines of Tiswas, Saturday Superstore and Multi Coloured Swap Shop. Timmy Mallet and his mallet, however, would be just stupid.

1. News anchors of the day must be dressed as zombies, along with appropriate make up. This will liven up Monday mornings due to the public waking up in a blind panic, believing the zombie apocalypse occurred overnight on Sunday, just after tea time.

2. Studio guests must be made to conduct their interviews whilst on a mini trampoline wearing gold spandex mini shorts. Custard pies or buckets of water may be thrown randomly by a studio technician dressed as the Phantom Flan Flinger.

3. ALL outside broadcasting lives should be undertaken using an iPhone and public WiFi bandwidth, just to prove a point.

4. Politician guests are to get only ten seconds per answer to make their point. If they haven't finished at ten seconds, a custard pie to the face is administered by the interviewer.

5. Interviewers (off camera) are allowed to pull funny faces at the interviewee as they are talking. Gurning is advisable.

6. A full English breakfast is allowed on the studio table between 6am and 8am. Mainly because I would like to see male anchors drip egg yolk and baked bean juice down their ties. Strong, triple shots of espresso are to be consumed every 20 minutes from 6am.

7. Weather presenters should be forced to sing their forecasts to well known show tunes from the 50's and 60's. No exceptions.

8. Sports presenters are to wear the official clothing of the sports they are reporting about. On air, rapid costume changes must be undertaken as they report.

9. Reporters who appear live from a remote newsroom environment are to run the gauntlet of a Harlem Shake style dance off in the background by early morning cleaning staff, or bunny ears performed by the news producer of the day.

10. Finally, famous guests who only appear towards the end of the programme should be made to beg, via the medium of mime, for the viewing public to buy their new book / DVD / album that they are shamelessly plugging, plus a substantial payment to a charity of the news anchors choice.

I truly believe that the above advisory list should be taken up by all breakfast news broadcasters, with the possibility of a cross over into 24 hour, rolling news. Not only will it make bad news a little easier to swallow, but will encourage and cajole the populace into a better frame of mind in the mornings as they eat their gruel before trudging to another dull day in the office.

Senior news producers... Call me. I'm full of great ideas.

Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter.