TV Cameraman Required: Must be able to AP, DP and Series Direct A Fact Ent Ob Doc ASAP.

Before I start, I have nothing whatsoever against @mediaparents a fine organisation posting jobs and discussion for working media parents, and we all want jobs don't we..? Why yes, yes we do.

Confused as to whether he should AP, DP or Series Direct, ukcameraman went to the pub...

I am however getting more and more confused and befuddled about what it is I should call myself and if I have the requisite qualifications to apply. Having perused the interwebs and Twitter this morning, I came across the following three job postings in quick succession...

TWEET: @mediaparents: Several shooting PDs needed ASAP till september! Location shooting through summer in gardens! http://t.co/1XblsYW01C

Shooting PD. Hmm, I can shoot, but can i P..? Or indeed do I have the relevant experience to D..? I dunno. Do you..? What I do know is that if you are shooting and PD'ing through the Summer in a garden in the UK you are going to get piss wet through... Get some good waterproofs. Also, several PD's..? That's going to cause a lot of friction in the P'ing department and serious creative differences in the D'ing, and they want it ASAP.

Here's another...

TWEET: @mediaparents: experienced Series Directors who can shoot on 305 with fact ent experience please check this out! http://t.co/c8VwYaJ3qY

Again, I can shoot, but on a 305..? There are so many camera variables out there, but I think I could work it out given an hour or two's practice and read through the 6 books of camera internal menu instructions. I don't think I would have time however, as they want me to shoot AND series direct at the same time. No PD'ing required. Also, as a news cameraman, 'fact' I can do standing on my head, but 'fact' is generally not 'Ent,' and 'Ent' is generally not 'fact.' See Channel 5.

Then came this...

TWEET: @mediaparents: Any APs possibly who can shoot able to work out of Brighton starting next week? Ob Doc experience please http://t.co/3oQj8n0grA

Wow..! Yes, I can (possibly) shoot. But now they want me to AP all over the place as well as shoot the bloody thing. Can I not PD it..? Or series direct it..? Surely the AP'ing is similar to the PD'ing and series directing..? And who's going for the coffee and sandwiches..? I also like to Ob, but Ob'ing generally gets in the way of good Doc'ing and vice-versa. The working 'out of Brighton' bit also appeals, as everyone likes to work out of Brighton because the parking is a bitch.

If I were to ever get one of these jobs, what would happen if I lapsed into my old AP'ing habits when I should be PD'ing..? God forbid I should start to PD when I should be series directing, because as the series director, I would have to sack myself for PD'ing. Maybe the AP would get the blame when it all goes tits up... hang on, that's me too... but then who the hell would shoot..? Heaven help me if i should ever get ideas of grandeur and begin to DoP.

As a result of the above, I am now advertising myself as follows:

WORK WANTED: Shooting APPD Series Director. (Non DoP) Fact Ent Ob Doc preferred. Likes to work in Gardens out of Brighton on a 305. (Summer only) Can start next week. Waterproofs owner / Operator. Possibly.

That should get the work pouring in... Until then, i am still available as a cameraman.
XX S.W.A.L.K. XX.

Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter.

Here's The News... Brought To You By Dunkin' Doughnuts.

In this post, I would like to take you back to the media, and what that word actually means. Here at the ukcameraman institute of TV news studies, we like to think of the media as TV, newspapers, radio and magazines, you know, traditional media... A means of disseminating information and entertainment to the masses and a watchdog to the governments of the day.

doughnuts... Full of yummy, yummy media stuff.

Social media and online media is rapidly taking over the way in which that information and entertainment is disseminated. It's just the means of consumption that is changing and the speed at which it occurs, but the content changes little. Video, Audio, Photos and text. Multi-media and gaming even.

However, listening to The Guardian's Media Talk podcast this morning, hosted by John Plunkett, it would appear that the food company Dunkin' Doughnuts, consider themselves not only a purveyor of sweet glazed, jam filled doughiness, but also as a media company. Yes, you read that right... Doughnut company and media in the same sentence.

Listening to the podcast, I was hoping for stories, videos, radio stuff and articles from this new global media company that also sells doughnuts. What we get however, is an App for your smartphone that alerts you to the fact that if you fail to buy a doughnut within a certain timeframe, your money off voucher will expire. Mind blowing, in depth media stuff, I'm sure you will agree...

Media company my hairy arse.

John gamely spoke to a few people about this new media company. They spoke of the redefinition of media, anywhere that ideas and people actually meet, becoming part of someone's routine, engaging enriching and enhancing people's lives. They talked of compelling people to engage with brands on an epic scale.

What they were talking about of course, was marketing and advertising, not media. What they actually wanted to do, was to sell you a doughnut. Read the above again, and you will see the pernicious marketing and ad man talk that is pervasive of social media by the marketeers and ad men. It is not media.

Media should inform, educate and entertain. What Dunkin' Doughnuts is trying to do, is to sell me a doughnut via the guise of calling themselves a media company. They are not a media company... They sell doughnuts. Do you hear me..? DOUGHNUTS!

Perhaps if they want to be a media company, they should make some proper media and educate me with an article, film or radio programme about, oh I dunno... Obesity in the modern western world. Just a thought. Link to it via the App, and hey presto... We can see it whilst in the queue at the local doughnut emporium.

Now if you will excuse me, I'm off out... For a Krispy Kreme.

Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter.

www.media-attention.co.uk

Paxman, Newsnight And Delicate Linguistic Nuances.

Welcome back to the ukcameraman Institute of TV News Studies. As you are probably aware, I watch the news a lot. More than is probably healthy for a man who works in the TV news industry. I have my favourite programmes that I like to watch, chief amongst which is BBC Newsnight with Jeremy Paxman.

Jeremy Paxman... Unable as yet, to swear at his guests...

Now, for the benefit of my foreign readers, Jeremy Paxman, or 'Paxo' to me and his good friends, is known as the journalistic Rottweiler of British TV news broadcasting, with a fearsome reputation amongst the higher echelons of political and corporate life. A withering look or a rapier like rebuttal from an argumentative Paxo is like a stake to the heart of many a governmental mouthpiece.

As good as Paxo is at his job however, I believe that Newsnight and the BBC should relax the rules on language during live broadcasts, but only in the case of Newsnight. We wouldn't want f-bombs during the next instalment of CBeebies now, would we? No, what I mean is, I would like the BBC to give free rein to Paxo to use at random, and at his own discretion, the word 'Bollocks' after the 9pm watershed, when anti-answer spin tactics are deployed by interviewees.

Imagine this scenario if you will. You have settled down to watch Newsnight in your dressing gown and slippers, perhaps with a warming mug of cocoa and a chocolate Hobnob to help you wind down...

Paxo: "Minister, would it be advisable to relax the rules on complex inter governmental department spending and procurement procedures during a time of austerity for the British public..?"

Minister: "What I think the public should be worried about is the quite ludicrous proposals of the opposition. With regards to shadow cabinet expenditure white papers..."

Paxo: (interrupting) "Bollocks..."

After wiping the cocoa and Hobnob spray from your tv screen, think about what just happened... It cuts right to the bone doesn't it? No need for complex argument and clever questioning to get to the heart of the matter and gets the minister to answer the question put to them. A simple 'Bollocks' is all that is required to get them all flustered. Imagine the difference it would have made to the now infamous interview with the then Home Secretary Micheal Howard...

Mr Paxman, if you are reading this, please put forward my proposal for inclusion of the word 'Bollocks' into the BBC allowable word phrase book. (Newsnight only) Should this tactic work, may I also put forward for inclusion the word 'Fucknut.' With kindest regards etc...

Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter.

www.media-attention.co.uk