Has Channel 4 News Got The Collective Crazies..?

Something strange is afoot at Channel 4 News. I've been wondering just how they keep producing a fine weeknight news programme every day. It would seem that the answers lie behind the scenes...

The awards keep on rolling in, and I think this has a detrimental effect on the minds of those that inhabit the newsroom. The top brass at Channel 4 News want more. So much so, they will do anything to get more attention, and by doing so, the on air talent are partaking in some very strange extra curricular activities, involving cycles, new head gear and a news reader with a hot wax spatula and a roll of gaffer tape...

Full assimilation is now complete... Picture via @krishgm

First of all, as the above picture shows, Krishnan Guru-Murthy has been fully digitised and automated. I always had my suspicions about Channel 4 and the newsrooms at the ITN building, but full assimilation into the digital news matrix is going a bit too far. It is reported that he now works 24 hours a day, with only soft baby food to sustain life.

But this is not all that is going on. Oh dear me no.

Krishnan is also cycling the London to Paris 24 hour bike ride soon in aid of charity, requiring a full body, chassis upgrade... Jon Snow, having had to pull out from this event due to a sock / hair problem, is instead getting a full body wax, which you will be able to play, rewind and freeze frame, over and over again online, at the pain emporium of your choice. You can donate here.

I'm just waiting on the announcement from Cathy Newman. My sources* tell me she is planning a bungee jumping extravaganza from the top of the Shard, using only what is recovered from the buff shiny body of Jon Snow, fashioned into a rope. I for one, can't wait.

*I have no sources.

Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter.

www.media-attention.co.uk

Meeting The Future Prime Minister... Possibly.

As a news cameraman, i often find myself in places that ordinary folk don't get to see. Not because you can't go there, more a question of why you would want to. Take Eton, for example. Today, i filmed a story about a group of young gentlemen who are doing a sponsored bike ride in aid of charity on behalf of a house mate of theirs who was killed by a Polar Bear. Not at Eton, i hasten to add, no... whilst on a school trip to the icy wastes of Norway. I believe they call it character building.

You see, where i grew up, the only time i was taken to see a Polar Bear was at London zoo or some such place. At Eton, they actually take you to where the bear lives... in the wild. Eton, you see, is one of those architypal British institutions where the filthy rich send their male offspring to be very highly educated in the manner of all things. Usually producing heirs to Royal houses, senior figures in Banking, Law or Medical institutions, or if they are really unlucky, or particularly dim, Prime Ministers and members of Parliament.

I mean, take this juxtaposition. Many inner city schools, and local areas in the UK have a gun problem. At Eton, that problem manifests itself as to who is going to clean the fifty pound cannon, captured at Savastapol during the Crimean war, that sits in a courtyard just off the main road. A job i think for the young new boys of the first year, or the head boys Fag.

The Eton gun problem has now got out of control...

Also i found that stepping into Eton is like walking into a bridegrooms showroom. Each boy wearing the same uniform of pinstripe trousers, waistcoat and tailed jacket plus white bow tie. Everything it would seem, but the top hat. Longish floppy hair is also en vogue it would seem, or de riguer amongst the older boys. It truly is a wonder to behold when hundreds of them fill the streets at lunchtime. A bit like a Moonie wedding, with no brides.

Our possible future Prime Minister strides purposefully on... clutching his AS Level sexed up dossier.

I sat and watched for a while, as the future leading generation of this nation walked past. That spotty little kid with skinny arms, gangly walk and no chin, could very well be our future Prime Minister, off to his geography lessons to learn where all the oil will be when he is waging another war against the Arabs. Or take the oafish looking Rugger bugger, with red cheeks and foppish Hugh Grant hair... He's the one who's going to waste your grand kids pension in 40 years time during the next banking collapse.

I studied them at a distance, hoping to find the one that looked like a future heart surgeon, so when i'm older and lying on my sick bed, i can say to the young, scalpel wielding man...

"Remember me? I was the cameraman all those years back, you remember, at Eton, sniggering at the school uniform and floppy hair... You will be careful won't you... Hmmm? What's that? No i'm not private i'm afraid... freelance wages y'know... Excuse me... where are you going... come back...!"

I feel i may look back on this post and regret writing it... Especially when my future rugby playing bank manager calls me in to discuss my business plans, and he sits there with his red cheeks and foppish Hugh Grant hair, as he tells me that my old school tie just doesn't cut the mustard...

Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter

www.media-attention.co.uk

Dunkin' A Doughnut...

A cold Dorney Lake... just right for dipping your news reporter into.

You know, sometimes it's worth getting out of bed early on a Friday morning just so you can witness the abject failure of your news reporter. It doesn't happen very often, so when it does, it's as funny as hell. Take this morning for example. There i was at Dorney Lake, site of this years Olympic 2012 rowing and Kayaking events, to film Tim Dellor, BBC Berkshire's intrepid radio reporter who is attempting to experience every single Olympic sport that will grace our screens in a few short months. All in the name of BBC Sport Relief... yep, it's all for charidee...

To be honest, i've watched him being slapped about by a Judo black belt, which was also highly amusing, but this morning i watched as a 200 metre kayak sprint turned into a 1 metre slapdash dunking in the freezing lake.

Luckily for me, one of the radio team was filming with his trusty iphone and captured the moment as i, instead of collapsing in a giggling heap, continued to film his watery japes as a good cameraman should. But don't feel sorry for poor old Tim, he is paid handsomely to do this sort of thing and anyway, his well worn sports kit needed a good old soaking what with all the sports he's been doing lately.

Next up, we are off to see Tim get used as a human punchbag as he takes on a boxing champion. I have a ready supply of nose splints and headache tablets, plus, i took the precaution of making him an appointment with his dentist first thing in the morning. The man's a bloody fool i tell ya...