Sunday, 19 May 2013

Has Channel 4 News Got The Collective Crazies..?

Something strange is afoot at Channel 4 News. I've been wondering just how they keep producing a fine weeknight news programme every day. It would seem that the answers lie behind the scenes...

The awards keep on rolling in, and I think this has a detrimental effect on the minds of those that inhabit the newsroom. The top brass at Channel 4 News want more. So much so, they will do anything to get more attention, and by doing so, the on air talent are partaking in some very strange extra curricular activities, involving cycles, new head gear and a news reader with a hot wax spatula and a roll of gaffer tape...

Full assimilation is now complete... Picture via @krishgm

First of all, as the above picture shows, Krishnan Guru-Murthy has been fully digitised and automated. I always had my suspicions about Channel 4 and the newsrooms at the ITN building, but full assimilation into the digital news matrix is going a bit too far. It is reported that he now works 24 hours a day, with only soft baby food to sustain life.

But this is not all that is going on. Oh dear me no.

Krishnan is also cycling the London to Paris 24 hour bike ride soon in aid of charity, requiring a full body, chassis upgrade... Jon Snow, having had to pull out from this event due to a sock / hair problem, is instead getting a full body wax, which you will be able to play, rewind and freeze frame, over and over again online, at the pain emporium of your choice. You can donate here.

I'm just waiting on the announcement from Cathy Newman. My sources* tell me she is planning a bungee jumping extravaganza from the top of the Shard, using only what is recovered from the buff shiny body of Jon Snow, fashioned into a rope. I for one, can't wait.

*I have no sources.

Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter.