Friday, 17 September 2010

The News Monkey Strikes.

There is evil lurking in my house. A killer so dastardly i don't want to think about it. In the wee small hours, chaos can reign. when i sleep the sleep of a news cameraman, dribbling, farting and snoring, things tend to go awry. As i sleep, and dream cute cuddly furry animal stories, the news monkey, dressed as the grim reaper, goes on his mission.

I should explain. The news monkey is, you see, my sons stuffed monkey, who sits on the couch in his bedroom, day after day, doing not a lot but watching the daily goings on in our family home. But i think differently. At night he comes to life. For I can see a glint in his eye, and a look that says ...

"I'm gonna make you work. I'm gonna make you get up so early you will think that you never got to sleep ... Ha Ha Ha......" 

News monkey ... evil personified.

I have a theory about this. I believe he is a news monkey, a rare sort of Jekyll and Hyde character, who stalks the land at night, in search of drunks, bad drivers, gang members and idiots. He will wait, biding his time until the drunk gets home, and decides on a bit of toast. The news monkey sings a gentle lullaby to the drunk and as a result of falling asleep, burns his house down... with him in it, while the news monkey slips quietly out the back door, sniggering to himself at a job well done... or medium to well done in this case.

He is truly a bastard. The news monkey makes seemingly ordinary folk do stupid things in return for a breakfast news item. He makes tired travelling salesmen fall asleep at the wheel, whispering to them "Don't stop at this rest area, there's a better one with a Starbucks 30 miles on..." causing chaos to morning rush hour traffic following the resulting pile up.

The news monkey has reportedly been seen by crazed killers creeping away from murder scenes in the dead of night, having supplied the weapon to do the dirty deed of murder, all the while whispering into the suspects ear... "Go on ... Do it! Tell 'em i gave it to you.... you will only get manslaughter on grounds of diminished responsibility... honest"

Or... take the time he appeared on a street corner, in a hooded top, selling rat poison contaminated heroin to smack heads, who are found next morning in the local park, drowned in their own vomit, still clutching a can of super strength lager and a rolled up cigarette, and a vacant look that says ... "I trusted that f**king monkey"

Beware, for the news monkey can turn up at any time of night, anywhere that he pleases, with a vile intent on making the morning news bulletin from your stupidity or damn bad luck. Don't walk home drunk, for the news monkey will be driving the snow plough as you stagger across the road. He is the burglar who enters the empty school at night and lights a match, and he is the lone gunman on the grassy knoll that nobody ever saw. Evil indeed.

Look closer ... You can see the evil in his eyes.

Trust me. I've lived with this monkey for 11 years, and he still sits there with the same look on his face. But inside i know beats the heart of a news maniac. A sadistic little monkey with evil thoughts. If you see him, lurking in the night, next to your bins in the wee small hours, there may be a chance that i will be next, lugging my camera to film your sad demise at the hands of the dreaded news monkey.

You have been warned.

You can find more on what the evil news monkey is involved in HERE